Michael Dell shuts down company, gives the money back to shareholders

By Siddhartha Finch

Facing increasing irrelevance amidst declining sales of OS-limited PCs and dramatic market share losses, Michael Dell today announced that he’s shutting down the company and giving the money back to the shareholders.

“All of this cost-cutting is meaningless in the end,” Dell said in the press release. “Sooner or later you hit bottom; you just run out of places to cut. What are we supposed to do, sell 1,000 computers at a 1-cent margin? That’s a measly $10 net profit. Forget it. It’s no longer worth the effort.”

At a press conference in front of his just-emptied Austin PC assembly plant, Dell appeared resigned, asking, “Seriously, why buy an OS-limited Dell, when you can get an OS-unlimited Mac from Apple? HP, Toshiba, Sony, Lenovo, I could’ve dealt with, but Apple… I can’t compete with that. Slapping colored paint on laptop cases to try to generate some consumer sales from the clueless just wasn’t working. “

According to industry sources, Michael Dell personally approached Apple CEO Steve Jobs in late 2007 with an offer to license Mac OS X to replace the poorly-received Windows Vista. Sources claim that Jobs simply told Dell, “Go pound sand, Bozo.”

Dell declined to comment about reports of his brief meeting with Jobs. At press time, Apple had not responded to a request for comment.

When asked what he plans to do next, Dell said, “I plan to spend more time with my family, maybe do some golden parachuting, and, yes, get a Mac.”

Source: Dell Inc.

MacDailyNews Take: Even if we never appreciated his ugly hardware with its bolted on third-party, upside-down and backwards, poorly-faked Mac OS, we do greatly appreciate Mr. Dell’s honesty today.


  1. If Dell released an OS that only ran on Dells, would that make Macs “OS-limited”? Maybe we can come up with a better term, like “Mac-incapable”, which in my opinion is just as harsh.

  2. ABC has just announced that Steve Ballmer has agreed to be on the next “Dancing With The Stars” series. Agatha Trunchbull has been chosen to be his partner. Ballmer has also agreed to cover the costs of a super-absorbent dance floor as well as extra accidental dismemberment insurance.

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