Facing increasing irrelevance amidst declining sales of OS-limited PCs and dramatic market share losses, Michael Dell today announced that he’s shutting down the company and giving the money back to the shareholders.
“All of this cost-cutting is meaningless in the end,” Dell said in the press release. “Sooner or later you hit bottom; you just run out of places to cut. What are we supposed to do, sell 1,000 computers at a 1-cent margin? That’s a measly $10 net profit. Forget it. It’s no longer worth the effort.”
At a press conference in front of his just-emptied Austin PC assembly plant, Dell appeared resigned, asking, “Seriously, why buy an OS-limited Dell, when you can get an OS-unlimited Mac from Apple? HP, Toshiba, Sony, Lenovo, I could’ve dealt with, but Apple… I can’t compete with that. Slapping colored paint on laptop cases to try to generate some consumer sales from the clueless just wasn’t working. “
According to industry sources, Michael Dell personally approached Apple CEO Steve Jobs in late 2007 with an offer to license Mac OS X to replace the poorly-received Windows Vista. Sources claim that Jobs simply told Dell, “Go pound sand, Bozo.”
Dell declined to comment about reports of his brief meeting with Jobs. At press time, Apple had not responded to a request for comment.
When asked what he plans to do next, Dell said, “I plan to spend more time with my family, maybe do some golden parachuting, and, yes, get a Mac.”
Source: Dell Inc.
MacDailyNews Take: Even if we never appreciated his ugly hardware with its bolted on third-party, upside-down and backwards, poorly-faked Mac OS, we do greatly appreciate Mr. Dell’s honesty today.
Oh, and by the way, just one more thing, Dell promised to refund the purchase price of all Dells sold in the last three years provided the box owner could demonstrate that a Dell was better than a Mac.
On the bright-side. Dell is going to be laying off a lot of people from their Austin, Tx plant. I think they my be shutting it down as well. I heard the story while I was waking up this morning so you will have to get the rest of the facts elsewhere.
Wayyyyyyyy too obvious, MDN – but funny nonetheless.
As a side note, Sidd Finch is a man of many talents indeed: baseball pitcher, French Horn player, and now tech news reporter!
Tomorrow press will claim the same… Tomorrow press will claim the same… Tomorrow press will claim the same… PLEASE!
PS For Zune Tang’s sake!
lol
I was fully intending to post that I believe it is wrong for you guys to post such a spiteful “Onion”-like piece on a news site – even if it’s blatantly false – and then I realized……. it’s April 1st. That excuses it. 😀
The only Fools this April are the ones who bought a Dell.
The Onion should publish actual news stories today to really befuddle the gullible.
great april fools day joke..the funny thing about it is that i wouldnt be too surprised if this really happened…
Ouch…got Rick Rolled…nice one Ampar
Ok I am gullible alright?
To Buster:
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“You know the rules and so do I!”
In the spirit of the day how about this story?
Inspired by his boyhood hero Howard Hughes, today Bill Gates took up residence in a Las Vegas penthouse suite. Mr. Gates issued a statement which said, “I need more time to myself and plan to concentrate my efforts on growing my hair and fingernails.”
@Ampar…if it is past noon in Europe, does it still count?
That was great! For a split second I believed it after the news from yesterday about the Austin plant. Wouldn’t it be cool if it were true?
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I don’t care if it’s a joke. That headline is still beautiful to look at.
Hey MDN, can you make it flash or cycle colors or something?
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To Buster: Sure! If you’ll vouch for it, I’d say it viscounts.
While auditioning for “Dancing With The Stars”, Steve Ballmer really impressed the judges by lifting and spinning his volunteer partner, Bill Gates with his freakishly strong tongue. He later admitted he was quite distracted during the move as Bill could not stop giggling.
…too bad I am not in Europe then 🙁
This is a very sad and dark day indeed. Good luck, Michael, and thank you for all of you fantastic efforts.
Your potential. Our passion.™
No Joke-
http://www.dallasnews.com/sharedcontent/dws/dn/latestnews/stories/040108dnbusdell.1be6ad8c.html
A sure of Spring!
Thanks for the chuckle, MDN!
Now the only thing left is the inevitable reality show stint. We’ll see Mike in a hot tub with Gary Coleman and Jim J. Bullock, trying to figure out how to win the heart of a now-drunk-and-surly New York. But then Ted Nugent shows up and fires a crossbow bolt into Danny Bonaducci’s arm, causing Mike to dive for cover. He thinks he’s found a safe place to hide, and there’s even a air-hose to breathe from. Wait a minute… where’s Jim J.?
Um, C1…
EWWWWW!!!!
To Zune Tang… There, there, buddy. It’ll be okay. I’m sure Michael Dell will reSurface somewhere.
That never gets old!
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Jaysus C1…you gotta find a new source….the homegrown has too many chemicals in it….
I give it two years and that headline will be true, to the astonishment of the financial community (and the Republican Party).
For the time being, we’ll have to be content with a very funny April Fool’s joke.
Peace.
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Olmecmystic