The Secret Diary of Steve Jobs, Aged 51 1/2

So every once in a while, usually when I’ve smoked a little too much weed and I’m feeling kind of malicious, I like to crank call old Agent Sculley and just frig with his head. I’ll call him at like 3 in the morning and ask him if he’s got Prince Albert in a can, or I’ll tell him I’m a telemarketer raising money for the Unemployed CEO Foundation, or I’ll do the one where I pretend I work for the phone company and I’m down at the end of his street and please don’t pick up the phone cause if you do I’ll get shocked, then I call back and when he picks up I scream like I’m being shocked and I go, “Ow! Ow! Ouch! Hey! Bzzzzzt! Bzzzzzt! Hey! I told you not to pick up the phoooooone!!! G-g-g-g-g-g … aaaaaaaarghhhhh!!!”

But last week I outdid myself. I called him in the evening, right after dinner. I was totally baked but whatever. I asked him if he wanted to come in and talk to us about running Apple again. “Like, dude, I know we’ve had our differences, but I’m so busy with the Pixar and Disney stuff, I can’t do both jobs, I’m burning out, blah blah, so we really need you, I’m begging you, please, why don’t you come in.” The poor suffering idiot hasn’t had a job since we tossed him out in 1993 and so of course he falls for it and gets all dressed up in a suit for his big comeback and he comes in yesterday morning thinking he’s going to have this big meeting with me and the entire board — only when he gets to reception they tell him that nobody is expecting him, there’s no board meeting, and they totally pretend that they’ve never heard of him, and they tell him I’m not even on the campus, I’m in China or something — even though really I’m up in the Jobs Pod with Jon Ives and we’re just like totally watching the whole thing and laughing our asses off. Ha! You been punked, bitch! He totally knew it too and for a long time he just stared up at the security camera giving me the finger. Then he just stomped out, looking like he was going to cry. We switched to the camera feed from the parking lot and saw him slumped in his Mercedes for like ten minutes, just staring out into space. Priceless.

Other blog entries include “Leak this, you motherfriggers,” “Woz, seriously, get a grip,” “Michael Dell freaks me out,” “sometimes i feel like a great chef,” “My life is awesome,” and much, much more. Priceless, indeed.

“The Secret Diary of Steve Jobs, Aged 51 1/2” is here:

MacDailyNews Take: Bookmarked.


  1. It’s Jonathan IVE

    Like IVE grown tired of people saying IVES

    ” width=”19″ height=”19″ alt=”raspberry” style=”border:0;” />

    WTF is with this assholishly huge ad next to this text input box? ‘uckin ‘ell!!

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