So every once in a while, usually when I’ve smoked a little too much weed and I’m feeling kind of malicious, I like to crank call old Agent Sculley and just frig with his head. I’ll call him at like 3 in the morning and ask him if he’s got Prince Albert in a can, or I’ll tell him I’m a telemarketer raising money for the Unemployed CEO Foundation, or I’ll do the one where I pretend I work for the phone company and I’m down at the end of his street and please don’t pick up the phone cause if you do I’ll get shocked, then I call back and when he picks up I scream like I’m being shocked and I go, “Ow! Ow! Ouch! Hey! Bzzzzzt! Bzzzzzt! Hey! I told you not to pick up the phoooooone!!! G-g-g-g-g-g … aaaaaaaarghhhhh!!!”
But last week I outdid myself. I called him in the evening, right after dinner. I was totally baked but whatever. I asked him if he wanted to come in and talk to us about running Apple again. “Like, dude, I know we’ve had our differences, but I’m so busy with the Pixar and Disney stuff, I can’t do both jobs, I’m burning out, blah blah, so we really need you, I’m begging you, please, why don’t you come in.” The poor suffering idiot hasn’t had a job since we tossed him out in 1993 and so of course he falls for it and gets all dressed up in a suit for his big comeback and he comes in yesterday morning thinking he’s going to have this big meeting with me and the entire board — only when he gets to reception they tell him that nobody is expecting him, there’s no board meeting, and they totally pretend that they’ve never heard of him, and they tell him I’m not even on the campus, I’m in China or something — even though really I’m up in the Jobs Pod with Jon Ives and we’re just like totally watching the whole thing and laughing our asses off. Ha! You been punked, bitch! He totally knew it too and for a long time he just stared up at the security camera giving me the finger. Then he just stomped out, looking like he was going to cry. We switched to the camera feed from the parking lot and saw him slumped in his Mercedes for like ten minutes, just staring out into space. Priceless.
Other blog entries include “Leak this, you motherfriggers,” “Woz, seriously, get a grip,” “Michael Dell freaks me out,” “sometimes i feel like a great chef,” “My life is awesome,” and much, much more. Priceless, indeed.
“The Secret Diary of Steve Jobs, Aged 51 1/2” is here: http://secretdiaryofstevejobs.blogspot.com/
MacDailyNews Take: Bookmarked.
“Agent Sculley and just frig with his head.” Moron. Sculley is FEMALE. Mulder is the guy.
Bookmarked. Not.
Eric,
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Sculley
Email the MDN Webmaster. Maybe he’ll take pity on your vast stupidity and delete both of our posts and spare you the ridicule you so richly deserve.
Uh, Eric, that would be John Sculley – the man who fired Jobs in 1985.
Eric: Wooooooooooshhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (The sound of the joke flying over your head)
Eric,
I told you: Sit down, keep that helmet on your head, and STFU until I dump you off at the home, ya retard.
Eric,
Forget emailing the MDN Webmaster. This is too entertaining already – he’ll never delete it.
(shakes head)
Eric, Eric, Eric…
Oh man!!!!!
Make it Stop!!!!!!
ha HAAAAAAAA!!!!!
“Doh!” – Eric
Checked out Steves sister Mona Simpson, guess who she is married to ? Richard Appel !
Coincidence ?
It’s Jonathan IVE
Like IVE grown tired of people saying IVES
BTW,
WTF is with this assholishly huge ad next to this text input box? ‘uckin ‘ell!!
Good God, Eric. And you left your email address, too.
Oh and Eric…
BWAHAWHAWHAWHAWHAWHAWHAW
<choke>
My God, an old phrase comes to mind when I read Eric’s post.
“Stupid hurts”
I’m always amazed at the utter lack of humor by most posters on this site. Eric, that shit was funny. Everyone else, grow a few inches so these kinds of jokes don’t fly over your heads.
G-Spank,
You’ve done the impossible: posted something stupider than did Eric.
uhhhh I don’t get it.
Entertaining, I kind of feel sorry for ole’ Woz,
but he’s just such a dork.
i bet someone really regrets leaving a post lol
Do y’all think that might be Eric Idle? Man… gut aches and I can’t wash the coffee of my keyboard. Oof!
It’s, like, total-ly funny, Eric!
Hey, if Eric was kidding (entirely possible) then he needs to know that subtle sarcasm and/or irony does NOT COME ACROSS ON THE INTERNET.
It has something to do with Unicode not handling certain word combinations properly.
Let me revise my previous post:
Entertaining, I kind of feel sorry for ole’ ERIC.
Hope none of you blew Pepsi out your nose at my little joke…
“Uh, Eric, that would be John Sculley – the man who fired Jobs in 1985.”
Sorry macca, but Jobs was never fired. He resigned after the CEO he had hired (Sculley) stripped him of all his duties and the entire company stood behind Sculley.
”So every once in a while, usually when I’ve smoked a little too much weed….
Anyone who crows about inhaling illicit drugs and damaging their lungs with noxious fumes deserves contempt not admiration. Additionally, “Steve’s” blog was less entertaining than I expected; in fact, the blog seemed unimaginative, repetitive, boring, and trite.
However, it may be that folks that imbibe Schedule I controlled substances have a lower threshold for humor and comic relief than other persons do. This may be a good thing since potential risk of arrest for DUI, fines and incarceration, loss of future income, risk of mental and pulmonary illnesses, and other social penalties and adverse consequences will require one maintain a perky positive attitude when tragedy and tribulation come visiting.