So every once in a while, usually when I’ve smoked a little too much weed and I’m feeling kind of malicious, I like to crank call old Agent Sculley and just frig with his head. I’ll call him at like 3 in the morning and ask him if he’s got Prince Albert in a can, or I’ll tell him I’m a telemarketer raising money for the Unemployed CEO Foundation, or I’ll do the one where I pretend I work for the phone company and I’m down at the end of his street and please don’t pick up the phone cause if you do I’ll get shocked, then I call back and when he picks up I scream like I’m being shocked and I go, “Ow! Ow! Ouch! Hey! Bzzzzzt! Bzzzzzt! Hey! I told you not to pick up the phoooooone!!! G-g-g-g-g-g … aaaaaaaarghhhhh!!!”
But last week I outdid myself. I called him in the evening, right after dinner. I was totally baked but whatever. I asked him if he wanted to come in and talk to us about running Apple again. “Like, dude, I know we’ve had our differences, but I’m so busy with the Pixar and Disney stuff, I can’t do both jobs, I’m burning out, blah blah, so we really need you, I’m begging you, please, why don’t you come in.” The poor suffering idiot hasn’t had a job since we tossed him out in 1993 and so of course he falls for it and gets all dressed up in a suit for his big comeback and he comes in yesterday morning thinking he’s going to have this big meeting with me and the entire board — only when he gets to reception they tell him that nobody is expecting him, there’s no board meeting, and they totally pretend that they’ve never heard of him, and they tell him I’m not even on the campus, I’m in China or something — even though really I’m up in the Jobs Pod with Jon Ives and we’re just like totally watching the whole thing and laughing our asses off. Ha! You been punked, bitch! He totally knew it too and for a long time he just stared up at the security camera giving me the finger. Then he just stomped out, looking like he was going to cry. We switched to the camera feed from the parking lot and saw him slumped in his Mercedes for like ten minutes, just staring out into space. Priceless.
Other blog entries include “Leak this, you motherfriggers,” “Woz, seriously, get a grip,” “Michael Dell freaks me out,” “sometimes i feel like a great chef,” “My life is awesome,” and much, much more. Priceless, indeed.
“The Secret Diary of Steve Jobs, Aged 51 1/2” is here: http://secretdiaryofstevejobs.blogspot.com/
MacDailyNews Take: Bookmarked.
“Agent Sculley and just frig with his head.” Moron. Sculley is FEMALE. Mulder is the guy.
Bookmarked. Not.
Eric,
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Sculley
Email the MDN Webmaster. Maybe he’ll take pity on your vast stupidity and delete both of our posts and spare you the ridicule you so richly deserve.
Uh, Eric, that would be John Sculley – the man who fired Jobs in 1985.
Eric: Wooooooooooshhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (The sound of the joke flying over your head)
Eric,
I told you: Sit down, keep that helmet on your head, and STFU until I dump you off at the home, ya retard.
Eric,
Forget emailing the MDN Webmaster. This is too entertaining already – he’ll never delete it.
(shakes head)
Eric, Eric, Eric…
Oh man!!!!!
Make it Stop!!!!!!
ha HAAAAAAAA!!!!!
“Doh!” – Eric
Checked out Steves sister Mona Simpson, guess who she is married to ? Richard Appel !
Coincidence ?
It’s Jonathan IVE
Like IVE grown tired of people saying IVES
BTW,
WTF is with this assholishly huge ad next to this text input box? ‘uckin ‘ell!!
Good God, Eric. And you left your email address, too.
Oh and Eric…
BWAHAWHAWHAWHAWHAWHAWHAW
<choke>
My God, an old phrase comes to mind when I read Eric’s post.
“Stupid hurts”
I’m always amazed at the utter lack of humor by most posters on this site. Eric, that shit was funny. Everyone else, grow a few inches so these kinds of jokes don’t fly over your heads.
G-Spank,
You’ve done the impossible: posted something stupider than did Eric.
uhhhh I don’t get it.
Entertaining, I kind of feel sorry for ole’ Woz,
but he’s just such a dork.
i bet someone really regrets leaving a post lol
Do y’all think that might be Eric Idle? Man… gut aches and I can’t wash the coffee of my keyboard. Oof!
It’s, like, total-ly funny, Eric!
Hey, if Eric was kidding (entirely possible) then he needs to know that subtle sarcasm and/or irony does NOT COME ACROSS ON THE INTERNET.
It has something to do with Unicode not handling certain word combinations properly.
Let me revise my previous post:
Entertaining, I kind of feel sorry for ole’ ERIC.
Hope none of you blew Pepsi out your nose at my little joke…
“Uh, Eric, that would be John Sculley – the man who fired Jobs in 1985.”
Sorry macca, but Jobs was never fired. He resigned after the CEO he had hired (Sculley) stripped him of all his duties and the entire company stood behind Sculley.
”So every once in a while, usually when I’ve smoked a little too much weed….
Anyone who crows about inhaling illicit drugs and damaging their lungs with noxious fumes deserves contempt not admiration. Additionally, “Steve’s” blog was less entertaining than I expected; in fact, the blog seemed unimaginative, repetitive, boring, and trite.
However, it may be that folks that imbibe Schedule I controlled substances have a lower threshold for humor and comic relief than other persons do. This may be a good thing since potential risk of arrest for DUI, fines and incarceration, loss of future income, risk of mental and pulmonary illnesses, and other social penalties and adverse consequences will require one maintain a perky positive attitude when tragedy and tribulation come visiting.
back to the convent sister…
meatofmoose
Is this another one of those times where
subtle sarcasm and irony don’t come across
well? If not, then you are the scariest freakin’
person alive. You need to inhale something elicit.
That’s the best blog I’ve ever read. The one about Michael Dell is hilarious.
Meatofmoose,
You listen to Rush Limbaugh, don’t you? Oh wait, he’s addicted to an assload of pills. Sorry, I forgot.
meatofmoose,
stop talking bs, weed is no more harmful than alcohol, only one is illegal and the other isn’t. don’t know why, people who say weed is illegal are basically saying God made a mistake, since it is a natural plant, not man made poision (alcohol).
Learn to live a little.
Jim,
You are so right. I can only imagine where this is headed though.
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meatofmoose, Cubert,
Yeah I really love when right wing wankers like Rush thump on their desks saying what “ought” to happen to druggies and fornicators.
Meanwhile he’s so strung out on pills he doesn’t realize he’s been caught twice with dope, a bag of vegetables and a prostitute.
Oh sorry, the vegetables and prostitute was Jimmy Swaggart. Another I’m better than all of you sinners asshole.
Eric…
“Hope none of you blew Pepsi out your nose at my little joke…”
Nobody’s buying that you were joking. Your original post wasn’t a funny haha kind of post. It was a rant. You typed before you thought. Just take the beating and learn from it. Don’t lie about it to cover your rear. It just makes it worse. Now instead of just being dumb, you’re also dishonest.
Meatofmoose reminds me of Crystal…
ahhh….. I miss crystal. She was a hoot.
Hey,
Bono wouldn’t drive a Maserati, I bet he’s a Civic Hybrid kind of guy (yeah right).
Thanks for the comments, lads. Your well-thought, objective, and superbly analytical responses prove my points precisely.
Dogfriend…. you’re right. I couldn’t stop laughing at the blog entry about Michael Dell. Too funny!
You hardly made a point. But at least we know that you are self righteous.
Thorin,
Yeah, Jesus had a name for meatofmoose and his kind. It was scribe or Pharisee.
meatofmoose,
Holier than thou wanker! Haven’t you ever heard our lords saying? Let he who lives in glass house cast first stone.
It’s been my observation working in the criminal justice system, my occasional visits to the Emergency Department and Medical Examiner’s office, and assignments to detention facilities that I have found no ethanol-swilling or pot smoking Nobel prize-winning laureates or nominees. However, I find an incredible abundance of unintelligent and self-serving parasites of society sucking taxpayer money after exercising their stupidity and causing harm to innocent and unsuspecting citizens.
not fired? well… technically, that’s true. i guess he was more-like forced out.
===
“It’s been my observation working in the criminal justice system, my occasional visits to the Emergency Department and Medical Examiner’s office, and assignments to detention facilities that I have found no ethanol-swilling or pot smoking Nobel prize-winning laureates or nominees. However, I find an incredible abundance of unintelligent and self-serving parasites of society sucking taxpayer money after exercising their stupidity and causing harm to innocent and unsuspecting citizens.”
===
…but enough about judges, cops, guards, doctors and lawyers…
<rimshot>
I’m here all week ladies and gentlemen…
p.s. Nobel invented dynamite and owned Bofors a Swedish arms manufacturer…
Nice try, Eric, but no.
You’re an idiot.
Admit it and go on…
To be guilty of hypocrisy each of my critics would need to have irrefutable evidence that I also privately use illicit drugs, revel in intoxicating substances, and/or encourage this behavior, while publicly condemning the same. Since none of you defensively self-righteous moralists of marijuana use have this evidence this, again, proves my point that mental acuity and logical reasoning are not hallmark characteristics of proponents of cannabis use.
meatofmoose,
Your beliefs are your own, I respect that. I
have many beliefs of my own (for good or bad).
I choose, however, to keep many of them to myself,
as this is hardly the forum for being “preachy”.
Come on, you had to have known that you would get
flamed for that! Give it up.
Nobel?
…. and so what?
I am not aware that Nobel admitted, was convicted, or otherwise proven to smoke weed.
The proper and effective use of weaponry is a good thing, especially when defending home and hearth, family and friends, country and community from attacks by terrorists, criminals, and other social deviants. Consider this, the threat of retaliation, hurt, harm, or even death is often sufficient to deter some individuals from acts of terror and criminality against innocent citizens. You blithely revile the development of weapons while enjoying the security that others provide using these same devices. The people who place themselves at risk every day to protect and defend your freedom, your life, and your property deserve your gratitude and not your contempt, you spineless coward.
My Observations,
Everything you said is totally irrelevant
to the point of discussion.
Yes, there are many unintelligent parasites
that drink and smoke pot. LOL
Observations,
Don’t get me wrong, I am fair. I agree with SOME of the things you say. The Swedes make a damn fine bolt action rifle too.
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BTW,
I find it amusing that an individual that would
call someone a spineless coward (tacky) doesn’t
have the balls to use a consistent call sign
on a Mac enthusuast forum. Curious.
My Observations,
“I have found no ethanol-swilling or pot smoking Nobel prize-winning laureates or nominees.”
You are grouping Alcohol with Pot, so I guess you are an abstinence advocate? Or perhaps a prohibitionist?
If you look back through time, a lot of brilliant people imbibed mind altering substances.
Actually, when I posted here, I totally forgot about that Sculley guy. I guess I’m not the mac nerd I once was.
But thanks for all the digs guys. They were funny (mostly).
Curious, or just a little resentful or indignant today, Thorin?
Cripes….there are many ethanol-swilling or pot smoking people who have made great advances in our society. I wonder if Winston Churchill (Literature 1953) or Ernest Hemingway (Literature 1954) or Lech Walesa (1983 Peace) or (Michael Bishop 1989 Medicine) ever touched a joint or whiskey….hmmmmm
MeatofMoose = Bonehead!
Is it me or are there a LOT of boneheads posting today at MDN?
I was simply saying that your use of Nobel (or rather, the awarding of a prize in his name) as the barometer of a person’s success as a moral human is a joke.
I was saying that I find an “incredible abundance of unintelligent and self-serving parasites of society sucking taxpayer money after exercising their stupidity and causing harm to innocent and unsuspecting citizens” in the guise of judges, cops, guards, doctors and lawyers…religious, straight (both meanings) and sober ones at that.
You want to blame a stinky twig for immorality. What’s their excuse?
===
“You blithely revile the development of weapons while enjoying the security that others provide using these same devices. The people who place themselves at risk every day to protect and defend your freedom, your life, and your property deserve your gratitude and not your contempt, you spineless coward.”
===
The Nobel Peace Prize is to be given to the person or society that renders the greatest service to the cause of international brother/sisterhood, in the suppression or reduction of standing armies, or in the establishment or furtherance of peace congresses. (wiki)
Guess even Nobel himself was a spineless coward. Even HE reviled his creations. Get a clue. War is not the answer.
You’re such a Rushie/Bushie it makes me ill.
Honestly, I didn’t think it was that funny. Great potential but Steve Jobs doesn’t call people “dude”. If you’re going to spoof someone, at least try to imitate his style.
I’ll pass on the bookmarking.
Seriously,
I laughed so hard I fell over and spilled bong water on my nobel prize.
Mega Dildos!!!!
From Schaumburg, Il.
Alright I’m stupid.
Dude, Don’t speak for me!
I’da chimed in earlier but I was trippin’ out on the visualizer.
“slowly I turned….”
A pain in the side of Thorin,
Hey, I didn’t call anyone names, nor was I abusive.
I’m not resentful, I love you all.
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Apparently I’m the only one who actually read the article and I thought it was like totally funny, but then I’m totally baked right now. I just got off the phone with Bill Gates, totally had him convinced I had a cure for malaria but that if he wants it, he’s gotta pull Windows off the market to prove he’s a true philanthropist. I told him I’d send him a spreadsheet showing that if he removes Windows, he’ll save more lives than he will spreading around 60 billion dollars to “deserving” charities.
Man is that is that Eric dude in the first post wacked or what?
Meatofmoose,
My observation was that a lot of the time “better than everyone else” and “holier than thou” people have some rather unsavory habits of their own. And should there for STFU rather than judge others.
I did not accuse you specifically. But rather cited two well known cases of people that fit that bill. Rush Limbaugh and Jimmy Swaggart have both had very harsh condemnations on people guilty of the very same things they themselves do in secret.
Also on rereading the posts that specifically mention you; you’ll find no one accused you of drug use or of being a hypocrite, therefore no proof is necessary. You were accused of being a self-righteous windbag.
So use your little theory of logic and mental acuity and reread the posts. Find and cite where one of us said specifically that we support marijuana use in reference to you.
I thought the Blog was pretty funny. I have to bear in mind it was not written or intended to be read all at one time. Pretty imaginative.
I can’t say the same for all these posts. Painful to read!
theionousmac,
man are you are you wacked or something?
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er, theioniousmac. sorry
where’d it go????
what happend to it? it’s gone now.