We haven’t heard much from bowling aficionado and RealNetworks CEO Rob Glaser since early March when he called Apple “deceptive for not explicitly telling customers that iTunes songs can’t be transferred easily to other devices,” so we thought we’d have some fun in the form of another Glaser photo captioning contest. Despite many calls for more, we haven’t had one since our Bono-Glaser photo caption contest last October.
So what if it’s one of those contests where nobody wins a “real” prize? Who cares! It’s fun anyway. Below is a photo of Rob Glaser, founder and CEO of RealNetworks, Inc. – let’s see what you can do with it!
Related MacDailyNews articles:
Real CEO Glaser calls Apple ‘deceptive’ with iTunes Music Store – March 07, 2005
Real CEO pitches to half empty room at tech symposium; Apple draws standing-room-only crowd – February 25, 2005
RealNetworks’ CEO Rob Glaser grabs 3 of top 10 spots on ‘Dumbest Moments in Business 2005’ list – January 31, 2005
Bono-Glaser photo caption contest now open – October 25, 2004
Real’s CEO Glaser: ‘Harmony’ hack legal, Mac lovers are very sensitive to Apple criticism, and more – September 14, 2004
Analyst: Rob Glaser’s ill-advised war against Apple ‘is going to bite RealNetworks on the ass’ – August 30, 2004
RealNetwork’s CEO Glaser crashes Apple’s music party – July 30, 2004
Real CEO Glaser: Steve Jobs’ comments on Real ‘not succeeding’ are ‘ridiculously humorous’ – April 29, 2004
NY Times: Real CEO Glaser was close to having ‘iPod’ before Apple, but let it ‘slip through his fingers – April 24, 2004
Real’s CEO Glaser: Apple’s iPod/iTunes combo ‘threatens to turn off consumers’ – April 20, 2004
Jobs to Glaser: go pound sand – April 16, 2004
Real CEO Glaser begs Apple to make iPod play nice with other music services – March 24, 2004
Real CEO Glaser: ‘iTunes is only going to be used for playing songs you bought using the iTunes store – January 16, 2004
“I want a donut this big!”
I downed a box of two dozen Krispy Kremes the day I saw iTunes running on this bathroom scale, er, I mean, Dell. Looks like a bathroom scale, huh? Not that I’ve ever used one.
I’m easy…
“OK, so I’m at Denny’s and I order two of the Grand Slams. You know, appetizers. Then Steve Ballmer sits down at the counter and asks me to fetch the catsup for him. And, I’m like, “hey, get it yourself, Tubby.” And he says, “Who you callin’ Tubby, Lardo…”
Tera Patricks
Mac360
“Let me show you this now, ladies and gentlemen. You can go onto Krispycremes.com, and just stare at pastries. Really. And the cool thing – get this – you can even have them delivered right to your door. So, in all reality you can actually eat one, or 3 at a time like me, and look at your next order… Isn’t technology fasinating?!”
“As you can tell from the enthusiasm on my face, I embrace mediocrity!”
If Apple’s marketshare for downloadable music is 10 miles long, this is how big our market share is.
While I pause for my Dell to reboot, imagine an 18-inch diameter Krispy Kreme, just imagine. Mmmmmm, giant doughnuts.
nothing up my sleeve…..PRESTO….i made real’s profits disappear
Holy F*%k! It worked! Our engineers are the best!
“I once ate a donut the size of my bowling ball!”
“My dad’s on fire, and I’m short three nickels!”
You just take two dozen Krispy Kremes like this and smash them together into what I like to call a “Neutron Doughnut.” Then I just pack it into my black hole and swallow. Dell-licious!
Please, folks, let’s try and skip the fat jokes. I’m a (fairly) skinny guy, and that’s just cruel. His arrogance and lack of CEO skill is enough of a target to keep us occupied.
Real will disappear soon enough.
My ego has now been deflated to about this big. I really want a donut about this big too. Anyone have one out there?
I designed it. It’s called the “Carb Loaders Diet.” I’ll give you the outline for free, but you can get the whole thing for $12.99 per month. I’ll remind you electronically every 5 minutes to subscribe, so you won’t forget.
When I heard of the latest podcasting news from Apple, and the new changes to the iPod lineup, something passed between me and my pants that was about this long.
“Whatever you do, don’t make any sudden moves. I don’t want this thing to crash”
I guess I’m going to have to insert a shoe about this big in my mouth and swallow it after making the dumb comments about Apple.
*In the best Joe Pesci voice in Lethal Weapon*, “Okay, okay, okay…our product works like this….”
You can see the whole thing on an Apple PowerBook screen. Hold on, I’ll scroll around… By the way, does anybody know where they put the Krispy Kremes? They told me there’d be Krispy Kremes!
“Real Player is a pile of crap thiiisss big!”
MW directly as in “Real is headed directly into the toilet”
“I have a number of announcements to make.
First, we are continuing to hemmorage our investors money with no immediate prospects of profitability on the horizon.
Second, we are seeing a number of subscription cancellations from customers who were able to successfully crack our security and keep the songs that they downloaded on their computers.
Third, it appears that Apple will be announcing their own subscription-based iTunes model within the next three months.
However, I do have some good news…….
I just saved a bunch of money by switching to Geico car insurance!
Can you believe that 30 years ago my waist was only this big?
If you can pinch an inch …buffering… yeah, right. I can pinch …buffering… this much!
“The doctor says my goiter will soon be THIS big.”
“I looked in the mirror this morning and realized that I had the figure of a
god, a god named Buddha”.
(thinking to himself) Maybe if I wave my hands around and stare them down, I too can be as convincing as Steve Jobs.
“Our marketshare percentage now equals the same number of chins I have”
MW over, as in, it’s OVER for Real
I… uhh… I want to admit to you… I love my iPod, and… umm… I use Apple’s iTunes Music Store. There’s really nothing better out there.
Real networks is the best online music solution, far ahead of wannabe’s like that Apple iTunes/iPod we have the majority of online customers using our service. and with an 99% market share we are all looking forward to a profitable 3rd quarter.
If you would like to purchae shares they are for sale in the lobby.
“Wait… I think my computer just crashed…”
(silence)
Are these glasses digging into my head ?
“ok, so this new model will have video, dvd, phone, mp3, and xbox games all built in, and will conveniently be able to fit in anyones pants pockets at roughly this size.”
or
“Yeah so these pills promised to add like this many inches….”
“When the RealNetworks music compatible cellphone debuts it will only be this big.”
“So, the technique to kiss Bill Gates’ ass is, you gotta zero in on his cheeks, then sneak up on him real slow like….”
…Gates put it me in this far….
Dank,
You either think faster or type faster than me.
No, you don’t get it. Apple does not have signifigant marketshare. Real does. We have displaced Apple in the music world. The Americans have not set foot in Iraq. Saddam is in charge. Real has no spyware. I am not dulusional.
“Dude..I’m so stoned..I got the munchies. Anyone else got the munchies? Whoa….I could eat a whole box of Krispykremes. How big? Oh…I dunno….maybe this big…”
What I am going to propose is an innovation for Real:
Subscription Doughnuts® !!
“My mother was a hamster, and my father smelled of elderberries.”
foundation.kaleidahealth.org/050630.jpg
Sorry, one more time.
“…and our plan is to steal Apple’s dilithium crystal to power…wait…no, I’m sorry, I just remembered that I was watching Star Trek yesterday. Alone. In my boxers. Somebody get me a Krispy Kreme!”
“Developers, Developers, Developers, Developers!”
All the good one’s are taken (donuts, new product sizes etc)… here goes nothin’…
“Ok, so they did an MRI and found the gap between my ears was this big”.
“My footlong sub with everything on it required me to open my mouth sideways… about this much.”
“This was how close we came to taking the iPod market share from Apple.”
“My other notebook computer has a screen this big.”.
“I’m not stopping my cravings for Krispy Kreme’s until my neck is this wide”.
“Steve Jobs’ is in the audience?? Where is he? I’m gonna strangle him!”
“well… um… i forgot what i was gonna say. anyone have an iPod?”
In that moment, Rob noticed Steve in the front row…
“You are getting sleepy… you will buy your music from Real…”
“On the way over, the airline said I had to be this much thinner before they’d allow me back on the plane”.
“When I was 11, I once did a poo this long”
“This was how close I came to getting laid last night”
“Our future products are going to be exciting! How exciting? This much!”
“Ooooh, did you see the cute girl outside? Oooh, I’d love to get my hands on her…”
Ok, that’s enough.
“OK, you try to sneak up really, really slow and if you’re lucky, you can grab some market share!”
MACDAILYNEWS READERS SUCK AND I’M ABOUT TO POST A REALLY NEGATIVE COMMENT ON MY BRAND NEW DELL!
bravo bvdecicco, a picture does speak a thousand words.
How do you get photos to show up instead of just a link?
“We’re now shipping every box of our RealGood/FeelGood Glazed-over Donuts with a coupon for 10 free song purchases at the iTunes Music Store.”
“…buffering…buffering…buffering…buffering…buffering…buffering…
buffering…buffering…buffering…buffering…buffering…buffering…
buffering…buffering…buffering…buffering…buffering.”
MDN, Have we sunken this low? I know news is slow, but come on, must we sink to personally abasing people and encouraging others to do so? Where is your dignity?
“Wait a minute… where’d everyone go?”
I need to pee pee
“if i stand very very still, those media people can’t see me and won’t be able to ask me what our marketshare is this week.”
“do these glasses make me look fat?”
— rg
“No, I swear, I am strong in the force! I did it last night… here, let me try again….”
Rob was always playing with the breasts of his imaginary girlfriend.
Eurka!!! I got a bootleg copy of OS X to run on this Dell !!
“Seriously, when i squeze hard, my ass is only this big!”
[img]
width=”400″
height=”311″ alt=”Glaser” border=”0″ [/img] “
One more freekin’ try. Then I give up.
“as you can see, our program…ummm…give it just a sec…yes! our program gives you instant…oh wait…ok, good, instant access to over 3 billion songs, er, i mean million. Is it hot in here?”
Oh my God! DVD’s have gotten bigger!!!
My kung fu is better than Jobs’ kung fu.
“And your little dog, too!”
Wait… wait… let me show you this Powerpoint presentation that clearly shows the Weapons of Mass Destruction hidden in Cupertino
“Class of 2005, let my career serve as a cautionary tale to those who ignore the advice of Dean Wormer: Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life.”
“…you mean a little thingy that you could transfer songs onto, play and listen to? That also would interact with Real Jukebox..? Huh? (long pause) Wow, how’d I miss that one?”
I fully expect Real’s to be profitable enough in the third quarter that I can finally get that surgery to uncross my eyes.
Actually I was singing the famous Udo Lindenberg song that Bobby Darin made popular in English. He’s my tranaslation of the German original version:
Oh the shark has pretty teeth, dear
And he shows them pearly white
Just a jack knife has MacHeath, dear
And he keeps it out of sight
When the shark bites with his teeth, dear
Scarlet billows start to spread
Fancy gloves though wears MacHeath, dear
So there’s not a trace of red
On the sidewalk, Sunday morning
Lies a body oozing life
Someone’s sneaking round the corner
Is the someone Mack the knife?
From a tug boat by the river
A cement bag’s dropping down
The cement’s just for the weight, dear
Bet you Mack is back in town
Louie Miller disappeared, dear
After drawing out his cash
And MacHeath spends like a sailor
Did our boy do something rash?
Sukey Tawdry, Jenny Diver
Polly Peachum, Lucy Brown
Oh the line forms on the right, dear
Now that Mack is back in town
“I ate Mini Me. You know, that midget guy about this tall. I shouted ‘Get in mah belly!’ Then I caught him. Yes, I’m actually Fat Bastard in disguise.”
Yes, I’m actually Ben Stein in a fat suit.
bvdecicco, MDN has never supported image macros…
“Stop the fat jokes” are you kidding? we need MORE fat jokes. ridicule away. this country (America) is out of control. we shouldn’t be making it easier to be fat we should be HARDER. much harder… because currently the avg weight of this country is disgusting and sad…very sad.
“Eventually my forehead will be this big.”
Yes dear, I know I told you it was this big, but did you notice how I was actually referring to the distance between might right hand’s thumb and my right hand’s forefinger.
a la Daffy Duff: “Hocus Pocus, Flippity Flam… Razzamatazz, and Alakazam…”
“Stare deep into my eyes…
repeat after me…
Real is better then Aplpe
Real is better than Apple
Real is better than Apple
No, my eyes. MY EYES! HELLO! Are you hypnotized yet?
Damn… it works on the board of directors!”
Tera Patricks isnt only easy, she’s incredibly simple. All I had to do is Feed her a cherry martini and it was Hitlers all night long..
Easy, yeah Tera Patricks, you’re the easiest chick this side of the pacific..
Actually I was refering to the size of apples market share.
” width=”19″ height=”19″ alt=”smile” style=”border:0;” />
“Thank you, thank you very much. Hamburger… STAT”
Our new portable player will be this size…
My A*s is this much bigger than Ballmer’s.
I was just about to tap that ass… then our crap software bombed!.. Damn it!!! I will fire all you guys and go to work for my boy friend Bill.
“Thank you all for coming today. I’d like to announce some new directions Real Networks will be taking over the coming year.
First, we’ll be exiting the online music business and selling those assets to Napster. The deal is expected to close in 3 months pending government approval and assuming Napster remains in business that long.
Second, we’re exiting the video playback business and selling those assets to Buy.com. They decided to refocus their online business model away from music downloads and toward streaming video.
Third, we’ve sold the Real trademarks to the Coca-Cola company, since they are, after all, ‘The Real Thing.’
Microsoft has agreed to purchase the remaining assets of our business for $30 Billion.
And finally, I’ve agreed to become Steve Jobs caddie. Yesterday, he missed the 18th hole of Pebble Beach by this much!”
Never mind that market share stuff, hey, look! If I hold my hand like this the shadow looks just like a goose… mmmm goose…
We’ve just designed a FANTASTIC 1mb portable MP3 player, and it’s this big!
“Some rubber gloves please, I sat on my H10 Junior.”
IT’S ALIVE!!!!!
Wella, since my customers left me, I found a new place to dwell, it’s at the end of lonely street, at the Rhapsody hotel!
“Holy F*%k! It worked! Our engineers are the best!”
LOL!!
“Last night I had a cock all the way up my ass that was this size.”
Steve Job’s head is like about this big and mine is way smaller. I think that is why his ideas are better and that is just not fair.
“So after the last 28 days of eating nothing but McDonalds, my liver is this big. Now if I could just get a movie deal, I’d have a chance of making a profit on something this year.
What do you mean it’s been done?”
And the winner is : bvdecicco
Great job on the photo.
I have a pile of mp3 players this big at home that don’t work. Damn I should have just bought an iPod.
or
I figured that this subscription thig woould work…I have a subscription to an internet porn site and that works.
“woah… hold on, don’t move… i think we are being watched.
“I just want you all to know that I’m currently working on getting a third chin”.
Apple like totally devoured my market share, and it was like…..a bummer.
If people really knew how good our stuff really is, our market share could grow to this much!
Our engineers have just finished the design of our soon to be released mini MP3 player – it’s about this big – and has the shape of a donut.
Do you want to see some pictures I have on my iPod photo of my gay lover? He has a cock this big.
man, some of these aren’t funny, just tasteless….
*thinks to self*… Ok, to distract you all from our really low market share, I’m going to be playing this Theremin and have my presentation sound all spacey and sci-fi modernish, kinda, like, um, yea…
Last night me and Bill burned one this big and dreamed how to continue our dominance over Apple.
I will use my powers to turn this crappy software into a best seller…..everyone hold your breath untill i’m finished! Oh…and RealPlayer will be the best mediaplayer as well. You’ll see, just keep holding you noses.
this will set a record for number of posts
I would use both hands to kiss Steve’s ass and congratulate him!
Can we knock it off with the “gay lover” and “cock” routines? I really don’t want to think of that sweaty pile of mayonaisse Rob Glaser playing for my team. The breaders can have him!
Easy?: “Tera Patricks isnt only easy, she’s incredibly simple. All I had to do is Feed her a cherry martini and it was Hitlers all night long..
Easy, yeah Tera Patricks, you’re the easiest chick this side of the pacific..”
How do you become the easiest chick this side of the Pacific when you’re not on this side of the Pacific? As a matter of fact she’s not on the other side of it either.
For the geographically challenged: Hawaii
uh, breeders, that is
No, justified, I think Rob would rather play for the Breaders – just like those tasty chicken fingers he makes at home
Our RealPlayer sucks this much!!! God, I wish I had a Mac!
“MDN’s internet cock is about THIIIIIIS large. That’s what it takes in order for them tell a lot of tired donut eating jokes about a guy they’ve never met; a guy who’s measurably more successful in life than any of them are. But when you worship at an alter you must hate everyone and everything who competes with your overlord, so I harbor no ill will.”
<liar>
“I did not have sexual relations with Bill Gates!”
</liar>
“Ladies and Gentlemen, I’d like to present to you the new RealNotworks/Dell “(v)i-nyl™” music player!
As you can see from the molding of the casing, the 12″ vinyl disks go in the top here, you close the lid and a ‘needle™’ engages the grooves on the disk which spins at 78rpm…”
(1) So I said to her it was this big before I got into the water.
(2) Hello! Look at the size of me lady! I dont want a footlong I want a two footlong!!!
(3) I like my men to have dicks this big.
My try:
http://cybergeisha.net/art/glaser/
I couldn’t just caption it. I had to make a mini-movie.
I respect what MDN is doing for Apple and its customers, but we part company on posts like this. Real’s products are bad enough that we should be maligning them without getting personal about the CEO. This contest may be fun for some, but it is a smug distraction from an important issue and should be beneath Mac users.
This post really should be about why QuickTime is better than the Real Player or the Windows Media Player. At a time when many mainstream media Web sites still only post audio, movies and videos in Real and WMP-compatible formats, we should be expending our time and brainpower mounting a grassroots campaign to demand that more Webmasters support the QuickTime Player.
How about it MDN?
It will be about this big, round, and it will be made of vinyl
Good one, Kristin.
….and then Steve showed me his and it was this big. Now I know why Bill Gates named the company “Microsoft”.
What did i just say?…what were we just talking about? oh yeah, about XP3…..
“Mmmmmmmmm, iPods. Doh! I mean …ah, forget it!
“I’m all pooped out and feel born again”
“Career opportunities at Micosoft and RealNetworks have never been better. We’re looking for grads who want to change the world. It’s just not true that stench you smell is from us…”
Rob as Darth Vader: ..Steeeeve, I am your father…!
Rob as old man smithers from ‘Scooby Doo’: …And I would’ve gotten away with too, if it hadn’t had been for those meddling Mac users!”
Rob as Jackie Gleason in ‘The Honeymooners’: “I’ve got a BIIIIG MOUTH!”
Rob in an old aspirin tv commercial: “I got a headache THIS BIG, so I shot myself in the foot, and it went away.”