The Guardian’s Brooker: ‘I hate Macs. I have always hated Macs. I hate people who use Macs.’

“I hate Macs. I have always hated Macs. I hate people who use Macs. I even hate people who don’t use Macs but sometimes wish they did. Macs are glorified Fisher-Price activity centres for adults; computers for scaredy cats too nervous to learn how proper computers work; computers for people who earnestly believe in feng shui,” Charlie Brooker writes for The Guardian.

Brooker writes, “PCs are the ramshackle computers of the people. You can build your own from scratch, then customise it into oblivion. Sometimes you have to slap it to make it work properly, just like the Tardis (Doctor Who, incidentally, would definitely use a PC). PCs have charm; Macs ooze pretension. When I sit down to use a Mac, the first thing I think is, ‘I hate Macs,’ and then I think, ‘Why has this rubbish aspirational ornament only got one mouse button?’ Losing that second mouse button feels like losing a limb.”

“Cue 10 years of nasal bleating from Mac-likers who profess to like Macs not because they are fashionable, but because ‘they are just better.’ Mac owners often sneer that kind of defence back at you when you mock their silly, posturing contraptions, because in doing so, you have inadvertently put your finger on the dark fear haunting their feeble, quivering soul – that in some sense, they are a superficial semi-person assembled from packaging; an infinitely sad, second-rate replicant who doesn’t really know what they are doing here, but feels vaguely significant and creative each time they gaze at their sleek designer machine. And the more deftly constructed and wittily argued their defence, the more terrified and wounded they secretly are,” Brooker writes.

Brooker writes, “The only way to have fun with a Mac is to poke its insufferable owner in the eye. For proof, stroll into any decent games shop and cast your eye over the exhaustive range of cutting-edge computer games available exclusively for the PC, then compare that with the sort of rubbish you get on the Mac. Myst, the most pompous and boring videogame of all time, a plodding, dismal ‘adventure’ in which you wandered around solving tedious puzzles in a rubbish magic kingdom apparently modelled on pretentious album covers, originated on the Mac in 1993. That same year, the first shoot-’em-up game, Doom, was released on the PC. This tells you all you will ever need to know about the Mac’s relationship with ‘fun.'”

“If you truly believe you need to pick [technology] that ‘says something’ about your personality, don’t bother. You don’t have a personality. A mental illness, maybe – but not a personality. Of course, that hasn’t stopped me slagging off Mac owners, with a series of sweeping generalisations, for the past 900 words, but that is what [Apple’s ‘Get a Mac’] ads do to PCs. Besides, that’s what we PC owners are like – unreliable, idiosyncratic and gleefully unfair. And if you’ll excuse me now, I feel an unexpected crash coming,” Brooker writes.

At the end of his article, Brooker reports, “This week: Charlie watched some episodes of Larry Sanders (on his PC). He played the customised Fawlty Towers map for Counterstrike (on his PC). He listened to the Windows startup jingle every 10 minutes as his PC repeatedly rebooted itself.”

Full article with much more, including Apple’s UK “Get a Mac” ad campaign, here.

MacDailyNews Take: A tidy bit of satire (see also: irony) from Brooker which, judging by the first twenty or so comments over at The Guardian, seems to have flown quite effortlessly over the heads of the majority of his readers.

68 Comments

  1. And how does this relate to Apple once again being silent about the future, on Super Bowl Sunday. What? Nothing to say? Nothing to announce? Perhaps stock tumbling another 10 points by tomorrow will wake them up. This confounded secrecy and mystery is getting old. Makes me tentative to buy anything. Sigh.

  2. hmm apparently with every Mac hater they always seem to bring up gaming and right mouse clicking hmm. well right mouse clicking is not needed in the Mac OS so whats the point. Computers are not toys and should not have so many games on them… thats what consoles were made for.

  3. For proof, stroll into any decent games shop and cast your eye over the exhaustive range of cutting-edge computer games available exclusively for the PC

    Further proof that Windows is for toy computers.

  4. Why the Hell hate the Mac So much becuase of a One Button Mouse. You Don’t Like Apple’s mouse, put whatever USB mouse with 2 buttons that you like. Nothing to Argue

    It would be awsome to see the MAc Market Share frow to Half of the PC’s.

    XP has a Cartoony Look and as a whole, It feels like an Overhauled Win 95. DOS is still in XP’s backround. Nor does it compare to OS X’s reliability/ features. I Only use XP on my iMac Core 2 Duo when I have to use it like for school work. IT’s been working fine on it and works beautifully, but I still Prefer OS X.

    Yeah, Build a WinTel System. In XP OS and Apps to get most things done, About $500 in Software alone. Core to Duo Processor $330, Video Cards, WiFi, Case, Mother board, Ram, DVD RW, LCD monitorm, Easily over $1450.. Whats Up, about $2500 all together. More than a Base Mac Pro that would still beat the Home Made system. And a Machine that will only run Windows too.

    A MAC is all you need to get everything done. Dunno why people still argue that the other ways is better.

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