So every once in a while, usually when I’ve smoked a little too much weed and I’m feeling kind of malicious, I like to crank call old Agent Sculley and just frig with his head. I’ll call him at like 3 in the morning and ask him if he’s got Prince Albert in a can, or I’ll tell him I’m a telemarketer raising money for the Unemployed CEO Foundation, or I’ll do the one where I pretend I work for the phone company and I’m down at the end of his street and please don’t pick up the phone cause if you do I’ll get shocked, then I call back and when he picks up I scream like I’m being shocked and I go, “Ow! Ow! Ouch! Hey! Bzzzzzt! Bzzzzzt! Hey! I told you not to pick up the phoooooone!!! G-g-g-g-g-g … aaaaaaaarghhhhh!!!”
But last week I outdid myself. I called him in the evening, right after dinner. I was totally baked but whatever. I asked him if he wanted to come in and talk to us about running Apple again. “Like, dude, I know we’ve had our differences, but I’m so busy with the Pixar and Disney stuff, I can’t do both jobs, I’m burning out, blah blah, so we really need you, I’m begging you, please, why don’t you come in.” The poor suffering idiot hasn’t had a job since we tossed him out in 1993 and so of course he falls for it and gets all dressed up in a suit for his big comeback and he comes in yesterday morning thinking he’s going to have this big meeting with me and the entire board — only when he gets to reception they tell him that nobody is expecting him, there’s no board meeting, and they totally pretend that they’ve never heard of him, and they tell him I’m not even on the campus, I’m in China or something — even though really I’m up in the Jobs Pod with Jon Ives and we’re just like totally watching the whole thing and laughing our asses off. Ha! You been punked, bitch! He totally knew it too and for a long time he just stared up at the security camera giving me the finger. Then he just stomped out, looking like he was going to cry. We switched to the camera feed from the parking lot and saw him slumped in his Mercedes for like ten minutes, just staring out into space. Priceless.
Other blog entries include “Leak this, you motherfriggers,” “Woz, seriously, get a grip,” “Michael Dell freaks me out,” “sometimes i feel like a great chef,” “My life is awesome,” and much, much more. Priceless, indeed.
“The Secret Diary of Steve Jobs, Aged 51 1/2” is here: http://secretdiaryofstevejobs.blogspot.com/
MacDailyNews Take: Bookmarked.
Actually, when I posted here, I totally forgot about that Sculley guy. I guess I’m not the mac nerd I once was.
But thanks for all the digs guys. They were funny (mostly).
Curious, or just a little resentful or indignant today, Thorin?
Cripes….there are many ethanol-swilling or pot smoking people who have made great advances in our society. I wonder if Winston Churchill (Literature 1953) or Ernest Hemingway (Literature 1954) or Lech Walesa (1983 Peace) or (Michael Bishop 1989 Medicine) ever touched a joint or whiskey….hmmmmm
MeatofMoose = Bonehead!
Is it me or are there a LOT of boneheads posting today at MDN?
I was simply saying that your use of Nobel (or rather, the awarding of a prize in his name) as the barometer of a person’s success as a moral human is a joke.
I was saying that I find an “incredible abundance of unintelligent and self-serving parasites of society sucking taxpayer money after exercising their stupidity and causing harm to innocent and unsuspecting citizens” in the guise of judges, cops, guards, doctors and lawyers…religious, straight (both meanings) and sober ones at that.
You want to blame a stinky twig for immorality. What’s their excuse?
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“You blithely revile the development of weapons while enjoying the security that others provide using these same devices. The people who place themselves at risk every day to protect and defend your freedom, your life, and your property deserve your gratitude and not your contempt, you spineless coward.”
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The Nobel Peace Prize is to be given to the person or society that renders the greatest service to the cause of international brother/sisterhood, in the suppression or reduction of standing armies, or in the establishment or furtherance of peace congresses. (wiki)
Guess even Nobel himself was a spineless coward. Even HE reviled his creations. Get a clue. War is not the answer.
You’re such a Rushie/Bushie it makes me ill.
Honestly, I didn’t think it was that funny. Great potential but Steve Jobs doesn’t call people “dude”. If you’re going to spoof someone, at least try to imitate his style.
I’ll pass on the bookmarking.
Seriously,
I laughed so hard I fell over and spilled bong water on my nobel prize.
Mega Dildos!!!!
From Schaumburg, Il.
Alright I’m stupid.
Dude, Don’t speak for me!
I’da chimed in earlier but I was trippin’ out on the visualizer.
“slowly I turned….”
A pain in the side of Thorin,
Hey, I didn’t call anyone names, nor was I abusive.
I’m not resentful, I love you all.
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Apparently I’m the only one who actually read the article and I thought it was like totally funny, but then I’m totally baked right now. I just got off the phone with Bill Gates, totally had him convinced I had a cure for malaria but that if he wants it, he’s gotta pull Windows off the market to prove he’s a true philanthropist. I told him I’d send him a spreadsheet showing that if he removes Windows, he’ll save more lives than he will spreading around 60 billion dollars to “deserving” charities.
Man is that is that Eric dude in the first post wacked or what?
Meatofmoose,
My observation was that a lot of the time “better than everyone else” and “holier than thou” people have some rather unsavory habits of their own. And should there for STFU rather than judge others.
I did not accuse you specifically. But rather cited two well known cases of people that fit that bill. Rush Limbaugh and Jimmy Swaggart have both had very harsh condemnations on people guilty of the very same things they themselves do in secret.
Also on rereading the posts that specifically mention you; you’ll find no one accused you of drug use or of being a hypocrite, therefore no proof is necessary. You were accused of being a self-righteous windbag.
So use your little theory of logic and mental acuity and reread the posts. Find and cite where one of us said specifically that we support marijuana use in reference to you.
I thought the Blog was pretty funny. I have to bear in mind it was not written or intended to be read all at one time. Pretty imaginative.
I can’t say the same for all these posts. Painful to read!
theionousmac,
man are you are you wacked or something?
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er, theioniousmac. sorry
where’d it go????
what happend to it? it’s gone now.