“Nearly 70% of Apple’s revenue comes from the iPhone, iPad sales are slumping, and Apple needs a new product to reduce its reliance on one core product,” David Goldman writes for CNN. “It won’t find that with the Apple Watch.”

It costs $350. That’s a lot of money to fork over for a device that adds a slight bit of convenience. It doesn’t do anything more than your iPhone does — it just allows you to do some iPhone functions on your wrist,” Goldman writes. “Wearable devices haven’t taken off for that reason: The functionality doesn’t justify their price.”

Battery life is going to be awful. If the rumors of 10-hour battery life hold true, that’s truly dreadful. That’ll barely get most people through their work day and commute,” Goldman writes. “The Apple Watch does so much and it’s so small that there’s probably not much that Apple can do to improve the battery.”

MacDailyNews Take: Wait, first it doesn’t offer enough functionality, but then, in the next breath, it “does so much?” M’kay, hit-whore.

“What’s compelling about it?” Goldman wonders. “Do you need to send drawings to your friends to communicate that you want to get a cup of coffee? Do you really want to zoom in and out with a dial to see text on a tiny screen when you have a 5-inch screen in your pocket? Do you need to know your heartbeat while sitting at your desk?”

The full article could be found, we suppose, if one were so compelled.

MacDailyNews Take: When you come off as a rank amateur in comparison to the likes of John Dvorak or even a Rob Enderle, you know you’re a hopeless hack. (As if the “CNN” above your little scribbles didn’t regularly remind you.)

We greatly look forward to revisiting some of Goldman’s quotes in the not-too-distant future.

[Thanks to MacDailyNews readers too numerous to mention individually for the heads up.]

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Tim Cook on Apple Watch: ‘I’m using it every day and love it and can’t live without it’ – January 28, 2015
Boom! Nearly 1 in 5 iPhone 6 owners say they will ‘definitely’ buy an Apple Watch – January 14, 2015
Apple Watch, the world’s first real smartwatch, will be a massive hit – September 9, 2014