“Satya Nadella, Microsoft’s chief executive, has written a company manifesto of sorts,” Nick Wingfield reports for The New York Times. “His 3,100-word essay, distributed by email to Microsoft employees Thursday morning, is Mr. Nadella’s mission statement and a rallying cry for the staff. Although it contained few specifics, the essay appeared to lay the groundwork for significant changes, to be announced this month.”

“Mr. Nadella said everyone at Microsoft must find ways to simplify and work faster and more efficiently. ‘We will increase the fluidity of information and ideas by taking actions to flatten the organization and develop leaner business processes,’ he wrote. ‘Culture change means we will do things differently,'” Wingfield reports. “Those words seemed to hint at the possibility of layoffs. In most years, around the end of Microsoft’s fiscal year on June 30, rumors swirl among employees about cutbacks in different groups as the company defines its plans for the next 12 months.”

S.S. Microtanic Captain Satya Nadella

S.S. Microtanic Captain Satya Nadella

“When job reductions occur, though, they are rarely big enough to meaningfully affect Microsoft’s overall head count, which was close to 100,000 at the end of June 2013,” Wingfield reports. “This year, however, the layoff rumor mill has been especially active. That is partly because Microsoft added 25,000 new employees at the end of April with the completion of its acquisition of Nokia’s mobile division.”

“Mr. Nadella said in his email that, throughout July, senior executives would reveal “more on the engineering and organization changes we believe are needed.” He said he would discuss changes more when the company released its earnings on July 22,” Wingfield reports. “Mr. Nadella said Microsoft was ‘the productivity and platform company for the mobile-first and cloud-first world… We will reinvent productivity to empower every person and every organization on the planet to do more and achieve more.'”

Read more in the full article here.

MacDailyNews Take: A 3,100-word diarrhea stream of corporate-speak laced with kernels of bullshit meant to inspire threatened worker bees (many of whom have been jerked around and reorg’ed to death for at least a decade and a half) to “find ways to simplify and work faster and more efficiently.”

Our smiles couldn’t be wider.

Nadella, who might be nearly as clueless as Ballmer, also found the need to drop the word “empower” seven times during his expulsion. That would, of course, be seven times too many. How many sentences into this interminable crapfest did it take for the average Microsoftie to get that sick feeling in the pit of their stomach prompting them to pull up their resume for updating? This is what happens when a company that desperately needed new direction from new blood instead stupidly and cowardly hires from within (not that is wasn’t too late already regardless).

This is what failure looks like. Apple roadkill.

Revel in the endless beauty of what Steve Jobs and co. have wrought. This vast, growing ocean of schadenfreude shall sustain us forever.

Sleep tight, Satya.

Related articles:
Steve Ballmer to unveil S.S. Microsoft’s new arrangement of deck chairs by July 1 – June 25, 2013
Captain Ballmer working hard on rearranging S.S. Microsoft’s deck chairs yet again – June 3, 2013
Microsoft said to again reorganize marketing operations; may include hundreds of job cuts – February 1, 2012
Ballmer rearranges the deck chairs again; seeks to get engineers into executive ranks – February 8, 2011
Microsoft rearranges the deck chairs again; reorgs cellphone, games division – May 25, 2010
Microsoft rearranges the deck chairs – February 15, 2008