“It’s safe to assume Mac products are indeed as brilliant as their owners make out. Why else would they spend so much time trying to convert non-believers? They’re not getting paid. They simply want to spread their happiness, like religious crusaders,” Charlie Brooker writes for The Guardian.
“Consequently, nothing pleases them more than watching a PC owner struggle with a slab of non-Mac machinery. It validates their spiritual choice. Recently I sat in a room trying to write something on a Sony Vaio PC laptop which seemed to be running a special slow-motion edition of Windows Vista specifically designed to infuriate human beings as much as possible. Trying to get it to do anything was like issuing instructions to a depressed employee over a sluggish satellite feed. When I clicked on an application it spent a small eternity contemplating the philosophical implications of opening it, begrudgingly complying with my request several months later,” Brooker writes. “It drove me up the wall. I called it a bastard and worse. At one point I punched a table.”
“This drew the attention of two nearby Mac owners. They hovered over and stood beside me, like placid monks. ‘Ah: the delights of Vista,’ said one. ‘It really is time you got a Mac,’ said the other. ‘They’re just better,’ sang monk number one. ‘You won’t regret it,’ whispered the second,” Brooker writes.
“I scowled and returned to my infernal machine, like a dishevelled park-bench boozer shrugging away two pious AA recruiters by pulling a grubby, dented hip flask from his pocket and pointedly taking an extra deep swig. Leave me alone, I thought. I don’t care if you’re right,” Brooker writes. “I just want you to die.”
MacDailyNews Take: Stockholm Syndrome will do that to you. Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. – Albert Einstein
Brooker continues, “I know Windows is awful. Everyone knows Windows is awful. Windows is like the faint smell of piss in a subway: it’s there, and there’s nothing you can do about it. OK, OK: I know other operating systems are available. But their advocates seem even creepier, snootier and more insistent than Mac owners. The harder they try to convince me, the more I’m repelled. To them, I’m a sheep. And they’re right. I’m a helpless, stupid, lazy sheep. I’m also a masochist. And that’s why I continue to use Windows – horrible Windows – even though I hate every second of it. It’s grim, it’s slow, everything’s badly designed and nothing really works properly: using Windows is like living in a communist bloc nation circa 1981. And I wouldn’t change it for the world, because I’m an abject bloody idiot and I hate myself, and this is what I deserve: to be sentenced to Windows for life.”
Full article – recommended – here.
[Thanks to MacDailyNews Reader “Dale S.” for the heads up.]
ID10T
Weirdo but it’s all true.
Charlie ends his article with “I don’t care if you’re right.” That says it all.
hahahahahaahahaha
someone gets it!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
I’d rather be a “fanboy” than an “appli
“apologist”
Kind of says it all right there.
For me, I’m more like Justin Long. Not anoying, just helpfull when they want to hear it.
Uhhhh, OK?!
Which is worse, have to watch an idiot toil over some broken, slow as a glacier, and failing system or being the one with a PHD in making life simple, joyful, and will to share this information, if so inclined, with the guy in the Santa Suit from Trading Places!
I have gained a new vocabulary word today, and I owe it all to Charlie Brooker (whose bio photo looks like he has a pickle up his a$$): Sh*tasmia
“To assist the party-hosting massive, they’ve also uploaded a series of spectacularly cringeworthy videos to YouTube, in which the four most desperate actors in the world stand around in a kitchen sharing tips on how best to indoctrinate guests in the wonder of Windows. If they were staring straight down the lens reading hints off a card it might be acceptable; instead they have been instructed to pretend to be friends. The result is the most nauseating display of artificial camaraderie since the horrific Doritos “Friendchips” TV campaign (which caused 50,000 people to kill themselves in 2003, or should have done).”
But the best part comes next:
“It’s so terrible, it induces an entirely new emotion: a blend of vertigo, disgust, anger and embarrassment which I like to call “shitasmia“. It not only creates this emotion: it defines it. It’s the most shitasmic cultural artefact in history.”
Gentlemen, we have a new word to describe the Windows experience!
It seems to me that Windows defenders are constantly seeing things that just aren’t there. They see smug Mac users because that is what they want to see, as they hem and haw and try to defend their decision to stay with Windows. Sure, their are jerks on the Mac team, just as there are jerks on the Windows team, but it is really annoying to hear them go on and on about the invisible Mac-holes that only they can see.
Sorry, I guess blockquotes didn’t work. Should have read the fine print about allowed HTML tags. The two big paragraphs are from the article.
MacDalyNews – You realy need to give us a bigger text window when typing on your iPhone app. (See my typo above)
Charlie,
I don’t care that you don’t care.
I read the full article – laughed until I CRIED and then the boss asked “what are you reading?” The YouTube video prompted me to quit Safari – I couldn’t take that much comedy. OH THE HUMANITY!!!!!!
There will always be those unable to swallow their pride, and admit their mistake in choosing to stick with Windows. No amount of proof or persuasion will budge them. Best not to push them too hard, they can usually see the truth already… they’ll come around on their own someday.
(Though, why they would allow their own stubbornness to prevent them from making that choice now, just to stick it to some random people who happen to be right, is something of a mystery…)
“Windows is that faint smell of piss in a subway: it’s there, and there’s nothing you can do about it.”
Hey Ballmer. You and Bill get your jumpers on. Here’s your new ad slogan.
classic cutting off ones nose to spite the face
Here’s one of my recent “Windows sucks” stories:
I’m at a Best Buy to get some RAM for my Macbook. I knew which kind I needed, but thought I’d better consult the RAM selector via Best Buy’s website while at the store just to make sure I got the right kind.
So the employee tells me I can use this nearby Windows machine to pull up the website. After about 10 seconds, it freezes and requires a complete restart.
So then he apologetically takes me to another nearby Windows computer and takes me to the website. Again, it locks up. Must have been the same script that dicked both machines, and the look on the guy’s face was just priceless.
That’s when I said it:
“Thank God I’ve got a Mac . . . “
That guy is 6 months away of getting a Mac.
Dont take it so seriously. Its just Charlie Brooker’s off the wall, British humour. His TV programme is hilarious and more often than not he hits the nail right on the head.
This is pure comic genius. Please read it as if ZuneTang® was writing it.
” width=”19″ height=”19″ alt=”smile” style=”border:0;” />
The Dude abides.
I bet he doesn’t choose his:-
car
girlfriend
home
etc.
in quite the same way….
He’s absolutely right though, most Windows users are just stupid enough NOT to care.
“so much time trying to convert non-believers”
Only they didn’t–they made a few small, accurate, helpful, non-zealous comments.
Why did the author PERCEIVE zealotry where none existed? Time to look inside his own zealous opinions.
Zealous Mac-heads are almost non-existent in the real world. Common online, like any loud-mouthed anonymous kid (see also MDN), but in the real world, almost unheard of except in some corners of college campuses where young people are still growing up.
Most Mac users just do their thing, and those who recommend Macs to others are no different from anyone else who recommends a product they like. Which is helpful and commonplace.
So why do SOME Windows users see something “offensive” even when it isn’t there?
Interesting.
Funny…… How many idiots do you see when you drive to work? Mucho!. Most of these idiots use netbooks with Windows. Just be glad that you are in the exclusive club.
” width=”19″ height=”19″ alt=”smile” style=”border:0;” />
“Windows is like the faint smell of piss in a subway: it’s there, and there’s nothing you can do about it.”
LOL – so true!