Apple’s iPhone 5 to give shape and purpose to previously empty and meaningless lives

“Apple rocked the gadget world today with the news that the iPhone 5 includes a new feature that gives shape and purpose to previously empty and meaningless lives,” Andy Borowitz writes for The New Yorker.

“In a demonstration before a hushed crowd of Apple enthusiasts, an app developer named Josh asked the new Siri, ‘Why didn’t my parents love me?'” Borowitz writes. “Siri’s response, ‘Your parents were too self-absorbed and narcissistic to recognize your essential beauty and value as a human being,’ brought many in the Yerba Buena Center audience close to tears.”

Borowitz writes, “Apple C.E.O. Tim Cook closed out the launch with perhaps his boldest claim to date about the company’s new phone: ‘We believe that the iPhone 5 will make your current relationship obsolete.'”

Read more in the full article here.

[Thanks to MacDailyNews Readers “Fred Mertz” and “Rim” for the heads up.]


      1. Sometimes too close. Wasn’t there a vibrator sold in the UK that plugged into your iPod and changed frequencies with the music beat…

        Apple was not too happy that they called it the i-something, iPleasure, or such.

        close can be too close. 🙂

  1. So far
    New and improved
    So is my new Tide detergent

    Bigger, stronger, faster
    More icons per pixel
    New Pollyanna mode
    One handed operation
    Able to download porn in a single stroke. Haha.
    3 microphones, 5 magnet transducer
    Built in Flux Capacitor
    Thunderbolt and Lightning
    To be followed by Tornado and Hurricane
    Don’t forget $10 adaptor Male/Female

    Aluminum and glass
    Why not Titanium and glass
    Better yet make the whole thing out of Clear Aluminum™

    Think i’ll stick with my old Iphone 4

    Steve is rolling!

    1. agreed. apple fails to impress – ho hum – not buying it

      and doubling up on secrecy fails
      as rumours totally had this to a tee
      right down to the micrometer measurements

      better have something to wow us in a minute
      iTouch Big???

    2. This just in: Hotlines around the world are being inundated by people suffering from “not different enough” syndrome. The people, mostly no life posers and tech writers; are finding themselves unable cope with the fact that the newiPhone is still too similiar to the iPhone4.

  2. Exactly!!

    Thought my comments were pretty clear on that.
    Tongue and cheek.
    Come on, a flux capacitor? (pop culture reference)
    Clear aluminum? (pop culture reference)

    Did think the the one handed comment was a stroke of genius.
    Oops there I go again!
    Be here all week folks.
    Don’t forget to tip the waitress.

  3. Every adult person I talked to about the new iPhone 5 being available today intimated that they have every intention of buying the new product immediately it becomes available and or ASAP and what’s more they were impressed with what they heard about tye new features.In fact I was stopped in the street by a total stranger who wanted to know where she could place her order so she could be one of the first to take possession of the iPhone 5. Whether the pundits know it or not this latest iteration of the iPhone will set a new statistical benchmark for others to envy for the next 12 months. This is the new ‘Reality’ which others have yet to fathom. A real sad day for you Sammy!

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