Dan Lyons: Apple has run out of gas and has nothing interesting to sell

Apple Store“If no news is good news, Apple just hit one out of the ballpark. At the annual Macworld trade show in San Francisco today, Apple put on an excruciating 90-minute keynote that may go down in history as the worst Apple event of all time. In brief: for the first time in recent memory, Apple has nothing interesting to sell. And the company’s remarkable decadelong run as the hottest company in consumer electronics may be drawing to a close,” Dan “Hey, Look At Me, I Used To Pretend To Be a Famous CEO, But Now I Just Turn Tricks For an Irrelevant 12-page Second-Rate Newsweekly That Has To Invent Retarded Horseshit in Increasingly Lame Attempts to Attract Clicks” Lyons writes for NewsWeek.

MacDailyNews Take: Dan Lyons is a royal asshole. Google it. In fact, post that phrase on websites far and wide.

And, oh by the way, Macworld Expo is dead. Get over it. Apple skates to where the puck is going to be, not to where it has been. As Phil said during his keynote, likely much to IDG’s chagrin, “Each and every week, now, 3.4 million customers visit Apple Stores aroung the world. That’s unbelievable. And, I’m sorry, I have to make the comparison: That’s a hundred Macworlds each and every week going on around the world in our Apple Stores.”

Lyons continues, “For the past decade Apple CEO Steve Jobs has been the star of Macworld, thrilling the Apple faithful with artfully staged keynotes and amazing new products. But a few weeks ago Apple announced that Jobs would not be in attendance this year and would send Apple marketing chief Phil Schiller in his place. That fueled yet more speculation about Jobs’s health—he’s been looking sick for a year now.”

MacDailyNews Take: Judging by Lyons’ recent work, the fact that Steve Jobs continues to draw breath is driving him insane. Keep on breathing, Steve!

Lyons continues, “How bad was it? Let me put this as politely as possible. It was awful. Almost unbearable… The only event I’ve ever seen that was more boring was Microsoft’s rollout of Windows Vista in New York a few years ago. I was left today with the same feeling I had at the Vista event: these guys have run out of ideas, so now they’re just piling more and more features onto existing products, loading them up with complexity and calling it innovation… My takeaway? This is a company that has run out of gas. The image of Steve Jobs in declining health, losing weight, looking old and tired, turns out to be a perfect metaphor for Apple itself.”

MacDailyNews Take: Dan Lyons seems intent on becoming the poor man’s John Dvorak. And that’s about as sad as it gets. An Atlantic City hooker commands more respect.

Full article – oops, we lost the link. While we look for it, try this one instead: TIME.com wink

Ask Newsweek why they employ a royal asshole and if they really believe that this sort of bullshit is going to stop the bleeding over there:

Now, watch Phil Schiller’s keynote and form your own opinion here.

68 Comments

  1. Thank you for NOT posting the link. I would love to know how many people click the time link. You can then advertise that you kept x amount of people away from newsweek because of this article.

  2. The fact that the keynote was boring is good. Now no one will miss it in future years.

    When Apple only had one or two new products a year, MacWorld was a fine place to announce them. But now Apple releases a couple dozen cool things annually and throughout the year. Saving all big announcements for MacWorld every January simply no longer makes sense.

    The MacWorld keynotes served their purpose. Now it is time to move on. BTW, don’t trip over Mr. Lyons as you leave, but feel free to spit on him.

  3. I haven’t watched the keynote yet, but there weren’t any announcements that I read about that had a WOW factor. It’s not surprising either. But there will be a WOW moment this year. That’s a guarantee.

  4. Apple has said for a couple of years now that it is moving away from the major shows and making product announcements as they are ready. Why would a lack of whiz-bang product announcements come as a surprise?

    The way analysts have hammered Apple after Macworld events, even if Apple introduces the items they expect, is unreal. I don’t think they even know that Macworld is not organized and put on by Apple.

  5. Hmm… they announce major — sometimes game changing — products on a regular basis and then don’t announce something spectacular and suddenly Apple’s completely out of ideas?

    Has everyone forgotten the “announcement” during the fourth quarter financial call where Apple said they were working on a new product line and it would take about a year from then to complete and would cost significant R&D;? I guess that can’t really exist since they re completely out of ideas.

    Everyone screamed and the stock took a significant hit because of that announcement. Too bad since that idea and product can’t exist according to the know-it-all Dan Lyons.

  6. He REALLY needs to stick to satire.

    As a journalist… even on Apple which he should know… he’s pathetic.

    I mean, my gawd, the obsession with the perfect battery. It is SO Steve Jobs is alive ALIVE and in charge.

    And MacWorld keynotes virtually always disappoint. You can’t release an iphone every year… you do it once and improve improve improve. And remember SJ is “most proud” of the things they don’t release.

    This is quintessential Apple–the REAL Apple–for the past decade. DL is comparing it to the myth of Apple. Remember that the “ipod hifi” was once an important keynote item [apologies in advance if I misremember and it wasn’t at a MW keynote].

    And we need the guys in Cupertino working on iPhone OS 3.0… and longer battery life without compromises… not going off in a different direction so DL has something to write about.

    The idea that Apple wanted out of MW because the expectations of an iphone like announcement every January is impossible to meet–I think that idea has been vindicated.

    Making nice with the music industry so no more DRM is really important. Hardly fills a keynote though. Innovation is hard to schedule.

    The lameness and cluelessness of DL on Apple is painful because FS was so wonderful.

    Reality: DL is out of gas and has nothing interesting to sell. And he’s not Dvorak… he’s the next Mary Jo Foley.

  7. Personally, I thought the keynote was great. It gave Phil a perfect opportunity to present iLife 09, iWork 09 and the 17″ MacBook Pro.

    I mean, what do people want from Apple’s presentations? Clowns? Fireworks? Glass cubes… ?

    Additionally, I think the new trend to give Apple engineers their 15 minutes of fame is a fascinating touch; what other company pays that much attention to the dimensions of a battery, or the structure of a notebook’s shell, for starters?

    All in all, Phil did a good job and I’m satisfied with how it turned out. I’m definitely getting iLife and iWork, too!

  8. Perfect example of why Apple needs to stop doing Macworlds. People’s expectations from this trade show have gotten insane. Who can possibly keep up with it? If Apple’s product cycles dont match up with macworld, we have crazy tech columnists proclaiming their impending doom.

    The more of this I see the more I absolutly agree with Apple’s decision to stop doing Macworld keynotes… if people want “WOW” announcements from Apple, they they have to let Apple do them on it’s own timetable, not IDG’s.

  9. no tablet or netbook killer unfortunately equals no WOW factor.

    Even SJ would have been seen to be flogging a dead horse today.

    Hey, even a Mac Mini upgrade or a HDMI port update to it would have been interesting. A 17″ version of a 15″ product is hardly going to raise the roof ( or the share price tomorrow).

  10. love it. steve jobs’ keynotes always are followed by stock drops; there seems to be a disappointment factor. no matter how many great products apple announces, the market says not enough. so phil does a decent keynote (hey he’s not steve ok?), and what do you know – the stock drops; just as if steve himself gave it.

    and despite the complaints – drm-free itunes, and a great refresh of the 17″, and nice new features in ilife and iwork – is a very decent macworld product roll-out. jeez

    and now we’ll get new stuff announced all year long, when it’s ready, and the apple machine will grow through the recession, leaving competitors in the dust and with fat profits that allow the r&d;to create more great products.

    i’m a happy camper. and long in apple.

  11. Why are so many commentators falsely claiming that there was “nothing interesting” at today’s Macworld? Is it just because they’ve built up all these ridiculously unrealistic expectations that they can’t appreciate reality?

  12. Soon we will see Snow Leopard. New iPhones will come. We just got the two greatest notebooks every created a short while ago. The iPod touch is taking off along with the Apps Store. Perspective is important here.

    The horses are at the second furlong and this guy it pointing at the starting gate to say it is empty!

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