Jobs to head Ikea, even monkeys wouldn’t use Macs, and other gems [UPDATED]

Apple founder Jobs joins IKEA

“IKEA’s flatpack days may soon be a distant memory, as Apple and Pixar founder Steve Jobs turns to his latest challenge. Inter IKEA Systems BV will employ Jobs as “acting CEO”, from next month. The technology icon will maintain his twin CEO roles at Apple Computer Inc. and Pixar Inc. but will also take command with a wide-ranging brief at the retail giant. For the technology guru, it’s just another job, but for the Swedish furnishing franchise, it’s a massive gamble. IKEA had a turnover of €13 billion last year, and has over 200 stores worldwide,” Andrew Orlowski writes for The Register.

“For Jobs, who has no furniture at all in his Palo Alto house, it’s an opportunity to reinvent an industry once again. Exclusive mock-ups of his first designs have been obtained by The Register. Apple fans won’t be disappointed. Jobs has convinced the Apple board to second the computer company’s award-winning design team to work for IKEA, and in a unique licensing agreement, the results will bear the Apple logo,” Orlowski writes. “Jobs is believed to have won over the phlegmatic Swedes with his legendary charm. ‘It’s time this f***ing business of mass mutha****ing furnishing moved from the f***ing Altair era of f***ing self-f***ing assembly, to the Apple II era,’ he told the board. A new future awaits us. and it’s so inviting, we can hardly wait to be in it.”

Exclusive images and full article here.

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Even monkeys wouldn’t use a Mac

“US academics have conducted research into the well-known phenomenon of ‘Shakespeare’s Monkeys’ – which claims an infinite number of monkeys using an infinite number of typewriters would eventually write the complete works of the Bard – and have discovered it would not hold true if the primates were typing on an Apple Mac,” Will Sturgeon reports for

“Scientists at the University of Utah conducted experiments using 20 primates over a three-month period and found that their subjects largely shunned the four Macs running OS X in favour of keyboards attached to four machines running Windows XP,” Sturgeon reports. “The closest thing to a Shakespearian line typed on the Macs was ‘Ham’, which the scientists recorded as three correct characters from the title of Hamlet, however, one machine running Windows XP recorded ‘It is the green-eyed m’ – 22 correct characters from the text of tragedy Othello. Dr Johan Klaas from the department of behavioural studies at the University of Utah, told ‘We were surprised by the results. The majority of the primates we used appeared to be far more comfortable using Windows.'”

Full article here.

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Apple Hires DVD Jon

“‘If you can’t beat them hire them’ – This seems to be Apple’s new motto. The reason being, it has hired DVD Jon. The very same Jon, who’s broken into iTunes thrice giving them sleepless nights,” Techtree News reports.

Full article here.

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Tiger Renamed; Ship Date Imminent

“Following the quick coverage of the new iPod double-shuffle, Steve Jobs moved into current news, announcing that at long last the new version of its Mac OS X operating system is ready, and will be coming soon to a retail outlet near you. (OK, so that’s not really news.) Mac OS X 10.4 will be available in stores and online starting at midnight, 22-Apr-05,” Matt Neuburg reports for TidBITS. “In a surprise move, Apple revealed that the official name for this release would be ‘Mac OS X 10.4 Wombat.'”

Full article here.

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California Declares iPod as Valid Currency

“In an effort to bolster the state’s flagging economy, California has changed its official currency from the dollar to the iPod. While the state will continue to accept dollars for an indefinite period of time, all official monetary transactions, including paychecks for state employees, will be conducted in iPods, and state citizens are encouraged to do the same,” reports.

Full article here. [Thanks, SOLARFLARE.]

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Beyond Two Button Mice: Apple’s New iWalk Input Device to Walk Over Competition

“Apple Computer (BG BUX), the last (and only) manufacturer of single-button mice, today revealed its design for a new, ergonomic two-button mouse,” Jeff Adkins reports for LowEndMac. “Called the iWalk™, the two button mouse uses a unique elliptical trainer design to move the mouse. The user actually operates the device with his/her feet, using a motion not unlike an exercise machine. Now you can type, mouse, and get fit simultaneously.”

“‘This new design gives the user a rolling, natural feel to mousing, as opposed to linear mice which just scrape across the table,’ said Deirdre Crosstrain, an Apple spokesperson. ‘You’ll be able to step up to the next level of human-computer interface with this.’ The new design utilizes two iFeet™, so it can gather twice as much information in the same motion, increasing resolution and decreasing the need to move the mouse as far as in traditional designs. In addition, each iFoot™ has one button, giving the entire iWalk device one more button than Apple traditionally uses,” Adkins reports.

Full article here.

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EU bans sale of Apple Macs

“The European Union has revealed it is to ban the sale and use of Apple Macintosh computers by 2006 – citing ‘the need for unification’ in a directive unveiled today,” Follie Aprilis reports for Digit Online. “Directive EU01042005, which was passed during a late-night session in Brussels, will be adopted by all member countries on January 1, 2006, and prohibits the ‘sale, use, resale, leasing, and hire’ of Apple Macs due to their lack of full compatibility with Windows computers, and the fact that no-one in the EU parliment can get a decent expenses package to work on them. The directive reckons that Apple’s ‘lack of floppy disk drive’ is discriminatory to EU residents, and that the Apple logo doesn’t hail from the apple-growing regions of Southern France.”

Aprilis reports, “Apple iPods are excluded from the move — although they must be renamed EuPods — but Apple dealers across the EU angrily denounced the move.”

Full article here.

MacDailyNews Note: We’re sure that we’ll be updating this article throughout the day as “real” news will be hard to come by today. Send them along when you find them via our “contact” page form. Damn the April Fools Day idiots with their fake articles!

Related MacDailyNews articles:
Tiger Woods signs long-term deal with Apple Computer as Mac OS X ‘Tiger’ spokesperson – April 01, 2005


  1. ahhah, i loved the monkeys article with ‘ham’…hilarious even though it came with a free popunder. drat this site for its pop unders. the owner of this site should be smacked around like a .25c argentinian hooker.

  2. As Paul Harvey used to say, “And now, the rest of the story”:

    The Shakespeare typing monkeys would have gotten farther with their work on the computer running XP, but a baboon plugged an Epson printer into the serial port, and the XP machine didn’t have the driver already loaded for that model, so it brought up the blue screen of death…

    After being bounced around from help desk to help desk (with none of the multitude of vendors able to provide a fix), the monkey gave up and started flinging poo all over the room.

    The monkey using OSX typed ‘ham’, realized how futile it was to copy someone else’s work (something the XP monkeys can’t grasp), and turned on XGrid@Stanford and helped answer some of life’s mysteries…

  3. My monkey prefers Mac OS X. He also likes kittens and does sign language. I have “vines” in the attic for monkey to swing on I tape bananas up everywhere it’s cool.

  4. popunderoos finger is apparently broken.

    1. yes popunders DO suck (we all know it)
    2. it is possible to close them (click the little red close button) i know it’s hard but i have faith in you.
    3. it pays for this site so you don’t have to. Sometimes we have to put up with tiny annoyances to get good stuff for free.
    4. argentinian whores cost .50c

    guess we found our april fool.

  5. Steve just announced that I am a winner of a brand new 3.5 Ghz G5.
    I am so happy. Comes complete with two, count-em, two of those pretty 30 inch Cinama Displays, 4 GB of RAM and a bonus package of software. Thank you Apple!! Thank you Steve!!


  6. Even Google calls Redmond companies copycats in their Google Gulp April Fools gag:

    11. When will you take Google Gulp out of beta?

    Man, if you pressure us, you just drive us away. We’ll commit when we’re ready, okay? Besides, what’s so great about taking things out of beta? It ruins all the romance, the challenge, the possibilities, the right to explore. Carpe diem, ya know? Maybe we’re jaded, but we’ve seen all these other companies leap headlong into 1.0, thinking their product is exactly what they’ve been dreaming of all their lives, that everything is perfect and hunky-dory – and the next thing you know some vanilla copycat release from Redmond is kicking their butt, the Board is holding emergency meetings and the CEO is on CNBC blathering sweatily about “a new direction” and “getting back to basics.” No thanks, man. We like our freedom.

  7. gee,
    1. I never imagined Steve Jobs with such a potty mouth.
    2. PC stands for “primate computer”
    3. Is DVD Jon the same con man with a new show on Comedy Central?
    4. Wombat . . . everything lately at Apple starts with an “i.” Wombats have 2 large eyes. Coincidence?
    5. iPods as the new gold standard. Brilliant!
    6. Buttons, Schmuttons! As long as it isn’t connected to a PC.
    7. EU. Let them eat cake, or “apple streudel.” If you say EU together
    it sounds like ewwwwwwwwwwwwww!

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