“Apple rocked the gadget world today with the news that the iPhone 5 includes a new feature that gives shape and purpose to previously empty and meaningless lives,” Andy Borowitz writes for The New Yorker.
“In a demonstration before a hushed crowd of Apple enthusiasts, an app developer named Josh asked the new Siri, ‘Why didn’t my parents love me?'” Borowitz writes. “Siri’s response, ‘Your parents were too self-absorbed and narcissistic to recognize your essential beauty and value as a human being,’ brought many in the Yerba Buena Center audience close to tears.”
Borowitz writes, “Apple C.E.O. Tim Cook closed out the launch with perhaps his boldest claim to date about the company’s new phone: ‘We believe that the iPhone 5 will make your current relationship obsolete.'”
Read more in the full article here.
[Thanks to MacDailyNews Readers “Fred Mertz” and “Rim” for the heads up.]
This report moved me to tears.
Hmm, isn’t tears that coffee shop just down the street with free wi-fi??? I thought you went there every day about this time??
Just asking. LOL
The iPhone has changed my life forever!
Apple brings joy and purpose to people with sad and unfulfilled lives. I must wait another year before being able to purchase the iPhone 5, that is, if I live that long.
I started to laugh, then I looked around at all the people staring at their phones, and realized that this guy’s onto something.
very true. People have close relationship with their iPhone.
Sometimes too close. Wasn’t there a vibrator sold in the UK that plugged into your iPod and changed frequencies with the music beat…
Apple was not too happy that they called it the i-something, iPleasure, or such.
close can be too close. 🙂
iBrator?
as dumb as it sounds…
Why gay marriage but no device marriage? Me and my iPhone should enjoy all the same rights and liberties as everyone else!
Actually, I think people have a close relationship with the content provided by the iPhone, not the phone itself.
Speaking of iPhone Close Relationships…
Finally! A feature just for fanboys. Now maybe they can come out of mom’s basement!
Nope; that’s where all the Linux/Fandroid troglodytes live.
So far
Meh…
New and improved
So is my new Tide detergent
Bigger, stronger, faster
More icons per pixel
New Pollyanna mode
One handed operation
Able to download porn in a single stroke. Haha.
3 microphones, 5 magnet transducer
Built in Flux Capacitor
Thunderbolt and Lightning
To be followed by Tornado and Hurricane
Don’t forget $10 adaptor Male/Female
Aluminum and glass
Why not Titanium and glass
Better yet make the whole thing out of Clear Aluminum™
Think i’ll stick with my old Iphone 4
Steve is rolling!
agreed. apple fails to impress – ho hum – not buying it
and doubling up on secrecy fails
as rumours totally had this to a tee
right down to the micrometer measurements
better have something to wow us in a minute
iTouch Big???
This just in: Hotlines around the world are being inundated by people suffering from “not different enough” syndrome. The people, mostly no life posers and tech writers; are finding themselves unable cope with the fact that the newiPhone is still too similiar to the iPhone4.
You just hit the nail on the head.
Oh come on. Andy Borowitz is a humor writer for the New Yorker. Anything he writes should be taken with a grain of kosher salt.
Yeah Apple just pissed on all their developers with this idiotic screen. Now all the developers have to redo all their apps FOR FUC$iNG FREE.
Kiss my ass Apple.
Cue BallMoore’s saggy, wrinkled left once kvetching about how the screen is only 4″ instead of the superior 4.125 or 4.25″ like droids………..
Tongue in cheek humor boys n girls. Tongue in cheek…..
Exactly!!
Thought my comments were pretty clear on that.
Tongue and cheek.
Come on, a flux capacitor? (pop culture reference)
Clear aluminum? (pop culture reference)
Really
Did think the the one handed comment was a stroke of genius.
Oops there I go again!
Be here all week folks.
Don’t forget to tip the waitress.
Every adult person I talked to about the new iPhone 5 being available today intimated that they have every intention of buying the new product immediately it becomes available and or ASAP and what’s more they were impressed with what they heard about tye new features.In fact I was stopped in the street by a total stranger who wanted to know where she could place her order so she could be one of the first to take possession of the iPhone 5. Whether the pundits know it or not this latest iteration of the iPhone will set a new statistical benchmark for others to envy for the next 12 months. This is the new ‘Reality’ which others have yet to fathom. A real sad day for you Sammy!